


Deepest Fears

by NinjaPisces



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Cuddling, Destiel - Freeform, Fear, Fluff, Healing, Healing after being raped, M/M, Oral Sex, Rape, Rape/Non-con Elements, dont hate, i have problems, not sorry, so this happened, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-15
Updated: 2017-02-15
Packaged: 2018-09-17 13:45:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 9
Words: 13,929
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9327377
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NinjaPisces/pseuds/NinjaPisces
Summary: Castiel visits Dean with the intention of raping him while Sam is trying desperately to find his brother before time runs out.Please don't read this if you are triggered easily.**THERE IS RAPE**Seriously.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> **WARNING!**
> 
> There is rape in this story. Graphic.
> 
> Again - THERE IS RAPE IN THIS STORY!

The flutter of wings alerted him to the appearance of Castiel and he turned in annoyance. “What did we say about knocking? You can't jus-Cas?” Dean finally took in the expression on the dark haired, blue eyed, trench coat wearing, angel.

The expression was dark, feral. Dean suddenly felt like he was Castiel's prey. A shiver ran up his spine.

“Dean.” Castiel's voice was deeper than usual, gruffer. He took a step towards the hunter and Dean automatically took an equal step back, his instincts kicking in.

“Cas, buddy, talk to me. What's going on?” Dean chuckled nervously as Castiel continued to step forward. Dean backed up until he was against the wall of the motel room, nowhere left to go. The angel had successfully trapped Dean.

Dean pushed his palm against Castiel’s chest as the angel came to push his entire body against Dean. Dean couldn’t help his racing heart as the panic started to settle in.

He couldn’t deny the odd daydream or two of him and Castiel. Usually the roles were reversed though. This though, felt different. Wrong. This wasn’t the Castiel he had grown to love over the years. He didn’t know what or who this was in front of him.

“Woah! That’s enough Cas. Lets talk this out.” Dean tries.

Castiel's lips were shoved against his then. Not soft like he always thought they would be, but harsh and demanding. Castiel shoved his tongue in between Deans lips painfully, forcing his way in.

Dean shoved against the angel with all his might, fighting to get away from his impossible strength. “Cas, Please! Don’t-“ Dean begs letting out a pained cry as Castiel bites down hard on his bottom lip and pulls away.

Dean might as well have been pushing against a brick wall for all the good it did him. Castiel bit and licked and sucked painfully down Deans neck and shoulders, roughly ripping away his shirt when it got in his way.

“Please stop! Please!” Dean begged again panic blossoming full force in the pit of his stomach. He was punching Castiel now, trying anything to break the angel out of whatever was causing him to act this way.

Castiel bit into his shoulder hard enough to make him cry out again, and the angel slammed a hand over his mouth, pressing so hard Dean half expected his head to go through the dry wall behind him.

“No. I will not stop. I am going to fuck you, hard. In every way that I can think of. And you will not stop me, Dean Winchester.” Castiel promised looking Dean in his wide, fear filled eyes.

And Dean knew that he was right. There was no way he would be able to fight off the supernatural strength of an angel. But that wasn’t going to stop him from trying.

Castiel kept the hand over his mouth as he snaked his other arm around Deans waist , squeezing his ass through his jeans. Dean pulled at the angels sleeve his protest muffled by the angels hand over his mouth.

Letting his face go, Castiel shoved Dean to his knees. Dean grunted as his knees hit the dirty carpet hard. He was now level with a large bulge. 

As Castiel unzipped his pants, Dean recoiled and tried to get away, only to have Castiel pull him right back to where he started.

The tip of Castiel's cock was pressed against his lips. “Open your mouth, Dean.” Castiel ordered fisting his hand in Deans hair tightly.  
Dean shook his head, pressing his lips firmly together.

This earned him an unexpected slap to the face. Dazed, He flinched when Castiel raised his hand again and quickly opened his mouth. Instead of the slap, Castiel stroked his cheek gently.

“Good boy. Now suck.” Castiel said shoving his cock into Deans waiting mouth.

Dean held onto the angels hips and did as he was told, trying his best to get the angel off quickly and get this over with. He had never sucked a cock before, but he knew what he liked so he tried to replicate that as best he could. The angels salty pre cum coating his tongue as he sucked, hollowing his cheeks and swirling his tongue around the head of Castiel's cock.

The sounds Castiel was making would have made Dean cum all over himself in any other circumstance. But not now, not today.

Without warning Castiel’s cock was pulled from his mouth and Dean was shoved face down onto the bed, Castiel's hand instantly pushing on his back to keep him down.  
His jeans were tugged off in one quick motion, his boxers following quickly behind them.

“Please Castiel. We can do this. We can fuck. Just not now. Not like this. Not when you are like this. Please, just stop.” Dean begged yet again. He struggled to turn and see what Castiel was doing behind him.

His promises and pleas are ignored

He kicked at Castiel as his knees were forced apart and the angel kneeled in between them to keep them that way. Deans hands fisted tightly in the sheets as he felt rough fingers pull his cheeks apart, revealing his virgin hole.

Dean had never felt so exposed. So vulnerable. So full of absolute terror, as he did right now. He had faced ghosts and demons and the devil himself and not felt as much terror as he did right now.

Fingers were shoved into his ass unceremoniously, pulling a pained groan from his lips. Castiel finger fucked him fast and hard, scissoring him to open him up. His fingers were rough against the sensitive skin of his ass. There was no pleasure in this, nothing but pain. A deep burning pain. 

Dean struggled to pull away from the fingers repeatedly being shoved into his ass. Pushing against the hand on his back holding him down, wriggling, trying anything to get away.

When the fingers were pulled from his ass his panic kicked into overdrive. This was it. He could feel the hard head of Castiel’s cock against his already abused hole. Dean couldn’t help the hot tears that ran down his face. This was really going to happen.

“Please Castiel. Please, please don’t.” Dean begged in a whisper. One last final attempt to stop this horror from happening.

Castiels hand disappeared from his back and for a split second Dean thought his pleas had gotten through to the angel, but those hopes were quickly dashed when he was flipped onto his back, a hand immediately around his throat.

Castiel squeezed just enough to strain Deans breathing, but not cut it off. Just enough to cause even more panic. Deans hands went to pull Castiel’s hand away from his throat, but there was no moving the angel.

Pain flared through Dean suddenly as Castiel used this opportunity to pull one of Deans legs up into the air and shove his cock into him, right down to the hilt. Dean cried out, fingers now clawing at any part of the angel to get him to stop. Nails dragging against skin as hard as he could without any effect.

Castiel immediately started pumping into Dean with an almost supernatural speed, only causing the hunter to grunt and whine in pain. There was no way Dean was coming through this intact. The pain in his ass was excruciating.

Castiel might as well have been fucking him with a knife, it might have been less painful. Red hot pain shot through Deans entire body with every thrust and the tears fell freely into his hair.

Above him Castiel was watching him cry with a glint in his eye that told Dean he was enjoying his tears. Castiel was enjoying hurting Dean the way he was. 

Dean couldn't find a trace of the angel he had fought along side all these years. The angel that was so awkward it bordered on funny most of the time. The one who tilted his head and squinted when someone referenced something he didn't understand. The one who had dragged him from hell, died for him, protected him. That angel was gone. No trace of him was left in the bright blue eyes that stared wickedly down at Dean as he was ripped open.

Castiel laughed darkly, shoving his cock into Dean even harder and squeezing his hand around his throat just a tiny bit tighter.

What felt like an eternity later Castiel’s hips stuttered and he lost his unforgiving rhythm. The angel was about to cum.

He slammed into Dean a few more times as he rode out his orgasm, shooting hot cum into his ass and filling him until cum leaked around the angels cock and onto his thighs and the bed.

Castiel shoved off of Dean and disappeared, leaving him to curl up onto his side and try and hold himself together. Cum leaked out of his ass in streams as he lay staring at the motel wall in horror, tears still streaming.

******

Sam burst through the door of the abandoned cabin that was not so abandoned after all. It took him a lot longer than he would have liked, but he finally tracked down the Djinn that had taken his brother.

The Djinn turned and shrieked at him when she saw him. She was a nasty one. She preyed on people’s fears while draining them. Let them live out their deepest and darkest nightmares while she killed them slowly.

The fight was over in less than five minutes, Sam in no mood to deal with this shit. He needed to wake his brother up. Give him the Djinn antidote before it was too late.

Before the damage was done.


	2. Rumbling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So because the first chapter was short I had to keep this one near the same length. I am OCD.
> 
> Enjoy! :)

“Okay. Here we are.” Sam said as he helped his brother into the motel room.

Dean was shaking slightly, his breath hitching in his throat. Sam knew he didn’t make it in time to stop the damage. He had no clue what his brother dreamed about while under the influence of the Djinn poison, but whatever it was had his brother shaking so badly he was unable to walk without assistance. Dean spent the ride to the motel jumping at any slight movement or noise.

Even now as he sat on the edge of the chair, Dean had his arms wrapped around himself, leaning forward slightly so his body was curled. His eyes were darting back and forth across the room, landing with a shudder on the bed.

“Why don’t you shower. Try to relax some.” Sam suggested concerned for his older brother. He had never seen Dean act this way. This scared. Dean had always hidden behind masks, never showing his fear.

Dean nodded and slowly stood from the chair. He stumbled to the bathroom, shutting the door behind him. Sam could hear the audible click as the door locked.

It was a good five minutes before the water even turned on. Even over the sound of the water running, Sam could have sworn he heard soft sobs. 

He ran a hand through his long hair and paced the length of the motel room. After almost an hour the shower had finally turned off. Sam listened as Dean slowly got dressed and the lock clicked open.

When the door opened Dean slowly walked out. He seemed a little more put together now. He avoided the bed and sat down on the couch.

“You feeling better now?” Sam asked carefully.

Dean's head snapped up, startled when his brother spoke. “Hmm? Oh-Uh…yeah. Yeah, I’m..uh…feeling much better. Thanks, Sam.” He replied. His lips twitched up in what was an attempt at a smile.

Sam chuckled nervously. “Yeah, I’m sure. So…you want to talk about what happened?” He asked.

“I’m tired. I’m just going to go to sleep.” Dean said ignoring Sam’s question.

Before Sam could say anything, Dean laid down on the couch.

Sam opened his mouth to say something, but ended up closing it again with a sigh. He grabbed a blanket from Dean’s bed and draped it over the man.

Dean mouthed a thanks and pulled the blanket tightly around himself. He liked the security the blanket offered him. It was another layer of protection.

He knew that it didn’t make sense to feel safer just from a blanket. What could a blanket do, really? He knew this, but it didn’t make a difference.

He also understood that what happened. That what Castiel did-it wasn’t real. It was a nightmare caused by being poisoned by the Djinn. He knew that none of it really happened. Castiel didn’t-he never-Castiel was still the same man he always was.

That didn’t stop him from feeling the way he was. He could still feel Castiel’s rough touch on his skin. The bruises those rough touches left behind. Still feel the burning pain inside him. Nothing had happened, he hadn’t been ripped apart, but he still felt it. The terror was still there.

Sam turned the light off and climbed into his own bed. He would be sleeping lightly tonight, if he slept at all. Tonight he would be watching over his brother. His broken brother.

Dean didn’t sleep very well. He was constantly twitching and turning. Pulling the blanket tighter around him and curling up into a tight ball on the uncomfortable motel couch.

******

Sam called Castiel in the morning. Dean was still sleeping and Sam needed to tie up some loose ends on this case before they could leave. He would have woken Dean up, but he had slept so badly through the night that Sam didn’t have the heart.

“Thanks for coming, Cas. I have never seen him like this. I don’t want to leave him to wake up alone, just in case, you know.” Sam told the angel as he got ready to go. He was talking quietly and keeping the room as dim as possible so he wouldn’t wake Dean

Cas stood a couple feet away from the couch, watching the sleeping hunter in his uneasy sleep. “What did he dream about?” He asked tilting his head slightly.

“He won’t tell me and I am afraid to push him too much.” Sam said pausing to look at his brother as he grabbed the keys to the impala.

“Don’t worry, Sam. I will keep him safe.” Cas soothed the younger brother’s worries.

“I know you will. Thanks again, Cas. I’ll be back as soon as I can.” Sam said. He left the motel, closing the door as softly as possible behind him.

Cas turned back to Dean with a soft sigh. He had to admit. He had never seen the hunter look so…lost. He had seen him unbearably sad, and angry, hurt, and happy, even anxious and afraid, but never this.

Dean stirred when the impala’s engine roared to life. His eyes flying open as the engine faded into nothing.

It took a second, but as soon as Dean took in Cas he sat straight up and scrambled over the back of the couch, almost knocking it over in the process. “Nonononononono!” He whispered looking around the room.

“Dean, it’s me. Castiel. What’s wrong?” Cas asked worried. He took a step forward.

“No! Please! Don’t come any closer!” Dean nearly shouted throwing his hand up and backing himself against a wall.

The desperation in his voice stilled Cas more than his words. Dean was breathing heavily, his eyes filling with tears.

Cas took a step away from Dean. “What is happening, Dean?” Cas asked again noticing the hunter flinch when he said his name.

“Is this real? I mean-it’s not left over Djinn junk is it? This is really happening?” Dean asked his hand still up. He avoided looking at Castiel directly, but kept him in his peripheral.

“This is really happening. It’s not the Djinn.” Cas answered him gently, wary about how Dean was acting.

“Sam!” Dean called out. He knew that this wasn’t the Castiel who had done all those things to him. He knew, but he couldn’t be near him right now.

“Sam went to finish up the case. He isn’t here.” Cas told Dean. He was confused about the way Dean was acting. He had never acted like this towards him. He has never been…afraid of him like this before.

The angel took a step towards Dean again, his heart aching to help him. “No! Don’t, please!” Dean begged him. His voice was a whisper, fear stealing his breath from his chest.

Cas took another step forward, stretching his arms out in a gesture saying he only wanted to help him. Just above the waist, palms up, hands and fingers relaxed.

The hunter whined softly, pressing himself against the wall. His arms were wrapped protectively around himself, head bowed, shoulders hunched. “It’s okay, Dean. I’m not going to hurt you.” Cas said softly taking a step.

Deans breathing was reaching hyperventilating levels. Tears of fear leaked from his eyes. “Please stop, Castiel. Please.” He begged in a whisper.

Castiel paused then, realization dawning on his face.

“I was in the Djinn nightmare. I was in your worst fear.” He breathed. He could feel his eyes widen. Dean looked up at him finally, his eyes confirming his worst fear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am enjoying writing this so much!
> 
> Thank you for reading Deepest Fears this far.
> 
> I know not a lot happened in this chapter, there will be more Destiel in the next chapter.
> 
> I am already working on chapter three and will have it up for everyone as soon as possible!


	3. Unearthing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is chapter three. 
> 
> This chapter is all Dean and Castiel.
> 
> Enjoy! :)

Castiel had been in love with this man before he even knew what love was. He loved him when he was an emotionless soldier, only following orders. This man had changed him in so many ways. Made him so much better than he was.

Through everything. Every time he had messed up, Dean had been there. He was there to stop him when he needed stopping. He was there when he needed help. Even after he broke Sam’s wall and released a group of horrible monsters upon the world, Dean was there.

Never once did he look at Cas like he was looking at him now. Cas never thought he would be in Deans biggest fear. It broke his angelic heart and for the first time he felt a burning behind his eyes, like a human would right before they cry. He owed Dean more than he could ever give. Cas didn't know what he would do without Dean.

Even though he was broken, Dean was Cas's beacon of hope. Always had been. From the moment he picked up the first piece of the man in Hell.

Dean had made his fair share of mistakes. But he does his best to fix any damage done. He is unflinchingly loyal and will go to the ends of the earth to help someone in need.

Dean had this knack of making you believe the impossible could be done, then he would turn around and do that impossible thing. He had proven over and over again his worth, but he took on too much of the bad stuff. He shouldered all of the blame, all of the guilt. But he was still the embodiment of strength and courage. He made people want to be better, to be brave, to do whats right no matter how hard or terrifying it was.

He did this for Cas everyday, without even knowing it. Cas had never told him exactly how much he meant to him.

“What did I do to you?” Cas asked. He needed to know. He needed to fix this.

Dean shook his head, not sure if he could say it yet. Castiel deserved to know, he knew that, but could he say it?

“Dean, please tell me.” Cas whispered. His heart clenched as things he could have done to Dean in his Djinn nightmare flooded through his brain at 100 miles per second.

Dean tried to get control of himself, but that was impossible with the angel so close to him. So he forced himself to start talking. “You-pinned me against the wall. Kissed me painfully...biting my neck and shoulders hard.” Dean paused, swallowing hard and rubbing his shoulder where he could still feel the teeth sinking into his skin.

Cas waited, knowing that Dean wasn’t done. “You forced me to-suck your dick…I did- I had no choice.” Dean was staring at the floor, the scene replaying in his head as he talked. “You held me down on the bed-I begged you to stop-I begged and I begged, but you wouldn’t-you wouldn't stop-I couldn’t get away. I tried-so hard—“ Deans voice broke and failed him. He fought back the sobs building in his chest, his lip trembling slightly.

This was worse than Cas could have even imagined. He had raped Dean. He now understood why the hunter was so afraid of him. Why he didn’t want him anywhere near him.

Cas swallowed hard. “Dean, I am so sorry.” He finally forced out, voice thick. He clenched his fists by his side tightly.

Dean shook his head again, glancing up at the angel. Cas looked like he was going to break down in tears at any moment. He looked like he was in physical pain. “It wasn’t you. I know it wasn’t you, but I can’t help it.” Dean tried to explain. It wasn’t easy.

After a few moments of silence. Of not knowing what to do. Cas sat down on the floor, folding his legs into a pretzel. He kept his hands in his lap and he kept his body completely relaxed. It was the least threatening thing he could think of to do.

To be honest, it did put Dean at ease just the tiniest bit. Cas was still just a couple tiny steps away from him, but he somehow felt less trapped with him sitting on the floor.

“I would never do that in real life, Dean. I could never do that to you.” Cas explained quietly. He needed to say it. He needed Dean to understand.

Cas wouldn’t be able to live with himself if he ever did that to Dean. No matter how much he wanted Dean, the thought was unimaginable. Horrific.

But this was Dean’s worst fear, which means somewhere deep inside him, Dean thinks this could happen. Dean thinks Cas would force himself on him. Would hurt him like this, given the right circumstances.

Cas suddenly felt nauseous, another new- and very human- feeling.

“You have always had a claim on me, Cas. You pieced me together and brought me back from Hell. You made me again and I…I always knew it was an irrational fear. I’ve seen the not so nice parts of you and even then I knew it was irrational…But that is kind of what fears are. Irrational. I’m sorry, Castiel.” Dean tried to explain why Cas raping him was his deepest fear, but things that don’t make sense aren’t that easy to explain.

His deepest fear made even less sense when you took into account the fact that Dean had thought of Cas in a sexual way. Had wanted him, had thought about it many times.

But having sex with someone willingly was worlds different than that same person forcing you to do things you didn’t want to do. Things you weren’t ready to do.

It was different when that person was using sex to hurt you and get their own pleasure. When they had no plans on stopping even when you were begging for it to stop. When you felt like you were being ripped in half because of what that person was doing.

“You don’t need to apologize to me. It is not your fault. Dean, I may have thought once that I had some kind of claim on you, some control over you, but not for a very long time. When we first met, you fought me at every turn, and I learned that you could never be ‘claimed’. You were going to do what you felt was right, no matter what the cost. And I admired that about you, even then.” Cas told him.

Cas remembered a time, so very long ago, when he had threatened to throw Dean back into Hell just for disrespecting him. He remembered the look of fear in the man’s eyes, the mask of indifference he tried to hide his fear with. He remembered this, and he was ashamed. 

That threat could have been what set this fear into stone in Deans mind. A play at power over Dean by Cas could have caused all this pain. He would probably never know. He doubted Dean even knew the moment this fear set in.

Dean didn’t say anything. Cas looked at him, eyes full of sincerity, and hurt.

There was a few minutes of them staring at each other. “I am not leaving. It was me that did this and it will be me that fixes it.” Cas warns Dean.

“It wasn’t you.” Dean argues.

“It was. I didn’t physically do it, no. But I did something in the past to make this your deepest fear. I said or did something. I don’t know what for sure it was, but it doesn’t matter. I did this.” Cas explains.

Dean shifts against the wall, mind racing. “What are you going to do?” He asks voice breaking. Tears still filled his eyes and soaked his eyelashes.

Cas meets his eyes and holds them. “Nothing you don’t want to do.” He says sternly. His sincerity burned in every fiber of his being. He willed the hunter to see that, to know that he meant every syllable.

Dean lets out a breath and slides down the wall, pulling his knees up to his chest. He let the sobs that had built in his chest rock through him. He hid his face in his knees and cried.

Cas scoots over to him slowly, hesitantly reaching a hand out to touch Deans arm.

Dean flinched when he felt Cas’s fingers on his forearm and Cas immediately pulled his hand away, keeping true to his word.

Without thinking Dean shot his hand out to catch Cas’s hand, holding it tightly in his own.

Cas paused only for a moment. He rubbed his thumb across Deans rough and scarred knuckles and over the back of his hand. He resisted the urge to bring the hand up to his lips and hold it there. He wasn’t sure Dean could take that yet. It was a miracle he was even willing to touch Cas.

Thirty minutes later Deans sobs had ceased and they both just sat in silence. Dean was watching Cas rub the back of his hand with his thumb. Trying to burn the soft touch into his memory, and drown out the bad touches.

“Do you want to sit on the couch? It would be more comfortable.” Cas asked gently.

Dean nodded and Cas helped the hunter to his feet, not willing to let go of his hand, even for a second.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked reading Deepest Fears as much as I am liking writing it!
> 
> The next chapter should be up very soon.
> 
> I know the chapters are short, but that means you get a little bit every couple of days, instead of having to wait.
> 
> There was some confusion about why Dean's deepest fear was what it was. I am sorry about that. I hope this chapter cleared things up a bit.
> 
> This is set earlier in the seasons. Somewhere between the Leviathans and Cas becoming human after Metatron takes his grace to expel all the angels from Heaven.
> 
> Feel free to let me know any other confusions or concerns. I will do my best to either explain to you or edit the work to explain it better.


	4. Comfort

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so chapter 4 is here!

Cas held true to his word. Over the next week he did not leave Dean. Except when in the bathroom, Dean was always within eyesight. He always had one eye on him.

Other than a few moments of panic during the day, Deans only real problem was sleeping. He couldn’t even look at a bed without ice filling his stomach. He would sleep on the couch. And even then nightmares plagued him. He would wake up covered in sweat, a plea for mercy on his lips.

Cas was always there when he did wake up from the nightmares. He would listen if Dean wanted to talk about it, or just be there if he didn’t.

Dean had managed to let Cas touch him, but the fear was always just below the surface. Cas never pushed it. It was all gentle rubs along the arm or back, or holding his hand. Once even wiping away tears that had escaped and dripped down his cheeks.

Sam obviously noticed these things. To his credit, he never said anything. He woke up sometimes to Dean talking-begging, really- in his sleep. And he overheard conversations between Cas and him sometimes, so he figured things out. He knew the gist of what happened in the Djinn nightmare.

He was happy Cas was there for Dean. A blind man could see how much he truly cared for Dean. He was so careful around him. Always reassuring him that he was indeed there. That he was okay. That this wasn’t the Djinn nightmare, this was real life.

He touched Dean like he was going to shatter under his fingertips. Being as gentle and slow as he could. And he always watched him, found the tiny hints that Dean was not okay. Like when Dean would suddenly freeze in place, or he would hold his arms around himself.

Most importantly Cas was always talking quietly whenever he started to approach Dean. So he didn’t just appear, like he did before all this. Dean always knew where Castiel was.

“I am going to the bar. Do you want anything?” Sam asked.

Dean hadn’t touched alcohol since the Djinn attack. He didn’t need his head any more fucked up than it already was. He shook his head and pulled the blanket off his bed.

“No thank you, Sam.” Cas answered him.

As the door closed, Dean paused, looking at the bed. He had to get over his aversion to sleeping on them. He couldn’t sleep on couches for the rest of his life.

“Dean? Are you okay?” Cas asked quietly.

Dean turned away from the bed and nodded to the angel. He set up the couch, not quite ready to deal with the bed yet.

He made himself a peanut butter sandwich and sat on the couch to eat it while watching some mindless TV.

Cas sat on the other end of the couch and watched the show as well. He wasn’t sure what was going on, they made a lot of references he didn’t understand. And there was an awful lot of slapping and kissing. It was almost like one of Deans porno's, except this time everyone was wearing scrubs and lab coats. Still, Dean seemed to enjoy it, so Cas sat back in silence and watched Dean from the corner of his eye. Dean even held his hand, once his sandwich was gone.

They stayed like this until Dean declared it was time for bed.

Cas stood up, reluctantly letting Deans hand go, to allow Dean to settle onto the couch, like he normally did, but Dean paused this time. He looked a little hesitant, and Cas waited patiently, knowing Dean would say what he wanted in his own time.

“Will you hold me tonight, Cas?” Dean asked nervously playing with his fingers.

Cas’s chest swelled. He had to hold himself back from grabbing Dean tightly. He had been dying to hold him since the day this all started.

“I would love to.” Cas said sitting down on the end of the couch.

He let Dean cuddle against him before wrapping an arm around the hunter’s shoulders and covering him up with the blanket. He held Dean close, tucking his head under his chin and rubbing his hand up and down his arm with feather light touches.

Dean rested his head on the angel’s chest, working through the automatic panic that swelled through him. He relaxed his body, piece by piece, and closed his eyes. He focused on the light touches down his arm. It ticked slightly and made goosebumps rise.

Once he relaxed into Castiel’s embrace, Dean fell asleep rather quickly. Quicker than he has in a very long time. Since before the Djinn attack.

Since Castiel didn’t need to sleep, he held Dean through the night, not once stopping the gentle rubs on the man’s arm. He watched as Dean slipped into a deep sleep. Taking a risk, he carded a hand through the hunter’s hair, reveling in the softness of it. Dean sighed in his sleep, but did not stir otherwise.

Sam came back a little after 2AM, opening the door as quietly as possible. He knew any sleep his brother could get was precious nowadays. He didn’t want to risk doing anything that would disturb it.

He was greeted with the sight of Cas holding his brother on the couch. Dean curled up around Castiel and sleeping peacefully. Castiel’s hand moved up and down Deans arm lightly, his other hand holding the blanket up around Dean so it didn’t slip onto the floor. His eyebrows raised in question when Castiel looked up at him. Cas just shrugged and turned back to Dean.

Sam was somewhat relieved. He hadn’t seen his brother sleep this peacefully in weeks. There was no twitching, or tossing and turning. His face was smooth and worry free. He wasn’t even mumbling. Dean was simply sleeping.

It was no secret to him that they had liked each other for years, not that either of them would admit it. It was very subtle. Just short glances at each other when they thought no one was looking. Small touches that were just a little too intimate for friends. They would go out of their way to do things for the other. Very subtle things that if you weren’t with them all the time, like Sam usually was, you would miss.

So if Dean, despite what happened in the Djinn dream, found comfort in the angel, he wasn’t going to say a thing about it.

Sam collapsed into bed, leaving a small reading lamp on for Cas, so he wasn’t left in the pitch black.

******

Dean set his bag on his bed. They had finally made it back to the bunker. It wouldn’t have taken quite as long as it did if they hadn’t found a couple smaller jobs along the way. A ghost and a werewolf. Nothing big. Nothing Dean, Sam, and Castiel couldn’t handle.

He hadn’t had a nightmare since he started asking Cas to hold him when he slept, so he was less afraid to go to sleep as he used to be. There was always the fear the nightmares would come back, but it was better than before.

He was confused as to how he was so comforted by Cas. It didn’t make any kind of sense. But then again this whole situation, from the very moment this began, didn’t make any kind of sense.

Panic still swept through him sometimes when Cas touched him when he wasn’t expecting it. But it was getting easier and easier to push it away.

“You happy to be back home, Dean?” Cas asked standing in the doorway to Deans bedroom.

Dean sighed. “Mixed feelings, but yes.” Dean answered turning toward the angel and crossing his arms.

Castiel smiled and nodded, looking around the room. Reaching out he brushed off some invisible dust from Deans shoulder, mostly needing the brief contact with him. Dean didn’t even flinch away anymore when Cas did things like this. A soft smile tugged at the hunter’s lips making Cas think he liked the contact just as much as Cas did.

But the tiny smile faltered. Cas squinted, suddenly concerned. “What’s wrong?” He asked glancing around the room instinctively.

Dean could feel his cheeks heat up and he looked at the floor. “Will you still hold me? Now that we are home, I mean. I don’t have nightmares when you hold me.” He asked rushing it out in his embarrassment.

“Of course, you don’t even have to ask anymore.” Cas answered him, relaxing.

“It’s just-I know it’s boring for you because you don’t sleep and all. I don’t want to force you to do anything or nothing like that.” Dean explained blushing even more than he already was.

“Relax, Dean. You aren’t making me do anything I don’t want to do. I enjoy watching over you while you sleep. I like being with you.” Cas said getting a little red himself.

Dean let out a breath and chuckled lightly, relieved. “Good.” He nodded and turned around to finish unpacking his bag.


	5. Warmth

You would think something as simple as sleeping in a bed would be so…well, simple. So easy. But Dean’s heart was racing just at the thought of it. He procrastinated going to bed. Claiming the movie that was on TV just had to be watched, then the show that came after that.

And he couldn’t settle down. He bounced his knee or tapped the arm of the couch with his finger. He was annoying even himself. This shouldn’t be so difficult. It wasn’t even the same bed as it was in the dream for craps sake!

Cas noticed Deans discomfort. He couldn’t not notice Deans aversion to sleeping on a bed. Or even sitting on one. He racked his brain for a way to make it a little easier on Dean. Dean wanted him there, obviously, and he would be. But that could only help so much, and he knew it.

Without a word he got up and went to the kitchen. He kept one ear trained on Dean while he took out a plate from the cupboard, and a tin pan from the fridge.

He cut a generous slice of apple pie from the tin pan, placing it on the plate. He spooned some whipped cream on top of the pie and grabbed a fork before going back to Dean.

Dean gave him a questioning look when he saw what he had in his hand. Cas smiled and held out a hand, waiting for him to take it before leading him into the bedroom.

Cas sat on the bed, patting the space next to him and offering the pie.

“Are you trying to bribe me?” Dean asked holding back a laugh.

“Think of it as incentive.” Cas replied.

Dean hesitated, watching Cas wave the plate of pie in front of himself taunting Dean. With a sigh he walked over to the empty side of the bed. Cas pulled back the blankets for him and waited. The pie sat on his lap now. He was patient as he watched Dean struggle with himself.

It crossed his mind that the last person he should want to get into a bed with was Cas. But the next thought that crossed his mind was that he would never be able to even sit on a bed without Cas right there with him. And the pie helped too.

He was almost embarrassingly dependent on the angel, getting anxious any time Cas was out of his sight. He tried not to think too much about the future. About when Cas would be forced to leave him for one reason or another, but the thoughts crept in when he least wanted them too.

Cas watched Dean slid one leg onto the bed, curling it under himself as he sat down slowly. He took a full minute before pulling the other leg into the bed. He was stiff next to Cas, his back ramrod straight. Cas gave him a second before offering the pie out.

Dean set the pie onto the bed, eating with one hand and finding Cas’s hand with the other. He held onto Cas tightly, shaking slightly.

“Thanks, Cas.” Dean said quietly between bites of the apple pie. Cas just smiled in response.

By the time the pie was gone, Dean was a little more relaxed. Relaxed enough to lay down in the bed and get comfortable. He cuddled into Cas’s side.

Cas was half sitting up, on top of the blankets, leaning against the headboard. He wrapped an arm around Dean like usual, holding him close. Deans head was resting on his stomach, his arm around Cas’s waist while the other was wedged in between them against Cas’s hip.

Cas ran his hands through Deans hair, carding it through his fingers and gently rubbing his scalp. He felt Dean relax completely against him, but he hadn’t yet closed his eyes.

“Dean?” Cas asked.

Dean blinked slowly. “Yeah, I’m okay. Just….Can you keep talking? It’s too quiet.” Dean requested fisting Cas’s shirt in his hand lightly.

So that’s what Cas did. He spent the next hour talking quietly to the hunter beside him. He told him stories about Heaven. Fun stories, back when Heaven wasn’t such a mess. He told him stories about how he would watch humanity, and try to make sense of the people who scrambled about in their day. He just talked and talked until Dean was sleeping deeply beside him, snoring softly.

Dean woke up the next morning, still wrapped around Cas, and feeling like he just concurred the freaking world. He felt like he accomplished something huge, and he couldn’t help the smile that about broke his face all morning.

“I know you don’t eat, but it feels rude not to ask. So, do you want anything?” Dean asked as he made himself a plate of food.

Cas chuckled, leaning against the counter next to Dean. “No, I’m good. Thanks, Dean.” He replied.

Dean smiled and sucked some catsup off his thumb. He secretly loved it when Cas said his name.

“Can you hand me the paper towels?” Dean asked gesturing to the other side of Cas.

Cas handed him the roll of towels. “Thanks.” Dean said pecking Cas on the lips as he took the roll from his hand.

Cas froze, shocked. Dean had kissed him. Dean had actually kissed him, on the lips.

The plate clattered from Deans hand when he finally realized what he did. Holy mother of shit!

“I-I-I-I’m sorry. I don’t even know where that came from.” Dean chuckled nervously blushing tomato red.

“Dean-“ Cas started, licking his lips. They tasted like the catsup Dean had eaten off his thumb moments before.

“I don’t know why I did that. I mean-it was an automatic thing. I didn’t even think. I’m so sorry.” Dean rambled on.

“I’m not. Not even a little.” Cas said standing up straight and turning to face Dean.

“You’re not?” Dean asked unsure.

Castiel carefully, and oh so slowly, leaned in to catch Deans lips again. The kiss was so gentle it was almost nonexistent. He knew he was risking a lot. This could send Dean over the edge, and he knew it. But some things were worth the risk, and this was one of them.

He made sure to not trap Dean. He kept his hands to himself, so Dean didn’t feel like he was holding him here. And he also angled himself awkwardly so Dean had a clear route of escape. An easy out, if he wanted it.

Instead of taking the out, as Cas half expected Dean to do, Dean moved so he was pushing Cas against the counter. He returned the kiss, keeping it gentle, but firmer than the one Cas started.

Dean pushed his entire body against Cas’s, holding on to the angel’s biceps. Cas kept his hands still, longing to hold the hunter, but forcing himself not to. Not until he was sure Dean was ready would he make any move, besides his lips that is. The hands on his biceps weren’t tight, but he had a feeling they were there to keep him still more than anything else.

They were both panting when they finally broke apart. “Definitely not sorry.” Cas confirmed with a smile.

Pulling his bottom lip into his mouth, Dean laughed, embarrassed, and grabbed his plate of food, turning on his heel to leave.

He paused halfway to the door and held out his hand to Castiel, not turning to look back at the angel.

Castiel laughed, relieved that Dean seemed to be okay with what just happened, and took the hunters calloused hand in his.

This man. This broken man. He was it for Cas. There was no one else like him and no one else Cas wanted. It was him. Forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, right?


	6. Effect

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry chapter six took so long.
> 
> I had it written a couple days ago, but have been too busy to edit.
> 
> Anywho...
> 
> Enjoy!

Dean slammed the book shut and slid it across the table. “There is just nothing in here that works.” He sighed leaning back in the chair and stretching his arms above his head.

“I am not having any luck either.” Cas said. He was still scanning through the large tome on the table in front of him.

“It’s been four freaking days!” Dean growled rubbing his face with his hands.

Sam had gone on a hunt nearby. It was supposed to be a cakewalk. Three days and four dead bodies later and here they were.

“I should be out there with him. Not sitting here…reading!” Dean spat the word like it tasted disgusting. He liked to read books, loved too actually, but Sam was out there alone with a monster. It was killing him just sitting here.

“Someone has to do the research, Dean, and the Men of Letters has the best collection of books. Sam will be fine.” Cas told him finally looking up. He reached over and took Deans hand, threading their fingers together and resting them on his lap.

Dean stared at their hands a second before reaching for another book grumbling to himself under his breath. Cas wasn’t wrong. Even though Sam was better at research, it was him who was at the bunker. And Sam could handle himself.

Cas played with Deans fingers, staring at the words in front of him without actually taking in anything he was looking at. They had been kissing rather often lately, rather passionately, and Dean even let Cas touch him, as long as he didn’t go below the waist. And don’t get it wrong, Cas was absolutely loving kissing Dean, but he couldn’t help crave more. He wanted Dean. Every ounce of Dean.

He was more than willing to wait for Dean to be ready though. That was a risk that was not worth taking. He wouldn’t let Dean see him as the monster who was in his nightmare. Not even for a second.

A minute later Dean scooted away from the table and stood up. “I can’t concentrate. It’s time for a break.” He leaned forward and caught Castiel’s lips, licking his bottom lip almost instantly to deepen it.

Cas happily complied, letting his tongue explore Deans mouth hungrily. Dean fisted his hands in his hair and moved to straddle Cas, making Cas gasp into the kiss. Dean hadn’t done that before. He was always careful to keep them separate when they made out. Only hands were allowed, until this moment, that is.

Cas broke the kiss. “Dean, what are you…?” He asked. He worried Dean was pushing himself too much.

Dean traced a finger over Castiel’s slightly chapped lips slowly. “I’m okay.” He whispered going back in for a kiss.

Dean let his hands slowly trail down Castiel’s neck to the collar of his shirt. He took a moment to fiddle with the collar, his fingers brushing against skin as he made his way to the first button. Pulling it open and receiving another gasp from the man under him as a reward. He smiled into the kiss.

Cas kept his hands on Dean’s sides, itching to pull the man tighter against him. To rub up on him as Dean slowly unbuttoned his shirt. Dean’s fingertips brushed against his skin as he moved, leaving behind a heat in their wake.

When Dean had unbuttoned the last button he pulled the shirt from where it was tucked messily into the angels pants so it could be pushed aside. He broke the kiss to look down as he ran his hands along Castiel's abs and chest. Admiring how soft his skin was, how it heated and quivered under his touch.

Swooping down Dean licked his way slowly up Castiel’s collarbone and left open mouthed kisses along his shoulders, pushing the shirt off as he went. Cas moaned breathlessly and let his head fall sideways so he had better access. The shirt ended up draped along the back of the chair they were currently on.

Castiel’s hands moved to grip his back, hard, but not too hard, as Dean left a trail of feather light kisses that ended at one of Castiel's nipples while he played with the other, rolling it between two fingers and pinching lightly. 

“Dean.” Cas moaned a fire building within him. The pleasure of Deans mouth on his body was too much, he couldn’t keep his thoughts straight. The bulge in his pants was uncomfortable pressing tightly against the fabric.

Dean hummed in answer as he switched nipples. Cas threw his head back, his hips bucking up into Dean’s as he felt teeth lightly graze over the sensitive bud. He couldn’t help it. He was losing control of his body, the pleasure overriding everything.

Dean managed to stamp out the panic that rose as memories of Castiel’s hips slamming into him ran through his mind. Shaking his head and letting go of the nipple, he slid off the angel’s lap.

The loss of contact made Cas feel unbearably cold and empty and a whine escaped his lips before he could stop it

Cas looked at Dean, terrified that his inability to control his body had made Dean afraid of him. 

But Dean wasn’t scared of him, he got to his knees in between the angel’s legs, reaching up and running his hands up Cas’s thighs, just barely brushing the large bulge. Leaning up he kissed a line right above the waist line of the pants straining against Castiel’s member. He could hear Castiel’s breath catch above him.

With slightly trembling fingers, Dean unbuttoned and unzipped the pants. He paused as more memories flashed through the forefront of his mind. While he enjoyed feeling every inch of the angel he could, he was mainly going so slowly for himself. So he could work through the memories and panic as it came.

Castiel’s long fingers gently tipped Dean’s chin up until he met his shinning blue eyes filled with pleasure. “We can stop. It’s fine. Don’t force yourself, please.” He said softly.

Dean smiled, happy that he had found his amazing man-angel-before him. He was patient and careful with him. Always worried about him. He made sure Dean was ready before he made any slight move. His deepest fear felt more irrational than ever now.

Dean took the fingers from under his chin, kissing each of them individually. “I’m okay.” He repeated.

He was, however, going to have to take the pants and boxers completely off Castiel. The Castiel in the nightmare kept them on the entire time and it was too much. Too similar.

Cas lifted his hips to help Dean pull the pants off, feeling the chair stick to his skin as he sat back down. He was now completely naked in the library of the bunker with Dean kneeling in between his legs. His hard cock bounced against his stomach as Dean ran his hands slowly up his thighs again.

The hunter took this cock into his hand and hesitantly licked at the pre cum at the tip, a string of it connecting them as he pulled away. Oh freaking shit! This man was going to make him go crazy!

Dean licked his way from the base of Castiel’s cock all the way to the slit at the top, tasting the salty pre cum that had dripped from it. The angel keened under him, trying not to beg for more, trying to be patient for Dean’s sake.

Dean wrapped his lips firmly around his cock, slowly sinking lower onto it. Castiel almost lost it right then and there. He gripped at Deans shoulder hard, pulling him closer and throwing his own head back as Dean paused, swirling his tongue around his cock before pulling back up, just as slowly. Deans mouth was so hot and wet, wrapped around him tightly, tongue moving and licking at all the right spots.

Castiel tried to keep his hands out of Deans hair, because he knew the Castiel in his nightmare had gripped his hair tightly when he was forcing Dean to suck him, but it was so hard. It was a natural thing, to grab the hair and pull it. To want more connection while this ecstasy filled you up.

He found his hands in Deans hair multiple times, immediately removing them, with a little effort. His fingers didn’t seem to want to uncurl from the man’s hair. He moved them back to Dean’s shoulders, fighting to keep them there.

The pleasure within Cas built and built. His toes curled and his fingers clenched around Deans shirt, pulling it. He was going to lose his freaking mind!

“Oh! Dean-please! I-can’t-!” Castiel spoke in broken sentences, no longer able to keep a thought in his head.

Deans hand snaked up Castiel’s body to wrap around the back of his neck. His mouth left Castiel’s cock as he pulled Cas down for a kiss. Cas was panting heavily. His entire body flushed and sweaty. The kiss was short, but passionate. “Cum for me, my dirty angel.” He whispered his lips brushing Castiel’s slightly. His hand was still moving up and down Castiel’s cock slowly, but faster than his mouth had been moving.

Cas made a noise somewhere between a whine and a moan as the hunter’s words sent him over the edge. His body twitched and he slid from the chair as he came. Dean caught him, pulling him into his lap and holding him upright as his orgasm rocked through him. Deans hand never stopped its agonizingly slow movements.

Dean squeezed the last of Catiels’s cum from his cock and released the oversensitive organ. Cas was collapsed against him, panting and sated, tremors from his orgasm ran through his legs making them squeeze around Dean intermittently. He let his head fall onto Dean's shoulder as Dean held him close. Dean took the opportunity to place light kisses on the angel’s neck, watching the goosebumps rise on the flushed skin.

“That was amazing, Dean.” Cas whispered his breathing finally back under control.

Dean let out a breathy chuckle and reached into his back pocket for the handkerchief he kept there, using it to wipe away the mess before it dried.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I am struggling with the next chapter. It may take a little longer than usual to get it done. Sorry. I'll get it up as soon as I can.


	7. Contentment

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry for how long it took to get this chapter up! I struggled so hard to write this and as a result it is not my favorite chapter. Still, this chapter was needed. This step in Dean's healing was needed.
> 
> I hope you will still enjoy!

Dean grabbed at Castiel’s wrist and Cas paused and pulled away. They were laying in Dean’s bed, Dean laying on top of Cas, one leg rested in between his own.

“What’s wrong, Dean?” He asked, slightly out of breath from the make out session. His hands were on the hunter’s ribs, not anywhere near the invisible line that he knew not to cross.

Deans lips twitched up slightly. “You ask me that a lot.” He stated with a hint of amusement.

“That’s because I worry about you a lot.” Cas replied without missing a beat.

“I wasn’t complaining. It’s nice. I like it.” Dean clarified with a full blown smile now.

Holding onto Dean, Cas moved so he was leaning against the headboard. They were now a little more than halfway sitting up, Dean now straddling his hips. He was waiting for Dean to answer his question.

Dean took a deep breath and snaked a hand through the hairs at the back of Castiel’s head, hiding his face in the angel’s shoulder.

Dean moved Castiel’s hand down his back, right to the line that Cas never crossed. The line where his back ends and his ass begins. He nibbled at the soft spot between Castiel’s shoulder and neck, distracting himself as he tried to calm his racing heart.

When he was sure he was ready he started to push Castiel’s hand over the line, feeling the angel freeze under him as he realized what he was doing. He immediately stopped Dean from moving his hand.

“Dean, no.” He said gently.

“Please, Cas. I’ll be fine.” Dean breathed against his skin.

“You are not ready.” Cas argued. In reality it was him that wasn’t ready. He was terrified that Dean would look at him and see the monster. That he would have the same look he had when Cas saw him right after the attack. The one he had so often after he woke up from nightmares. Cas couldn’t take having Dean look at him like that. It shattered his heart every time.

“I’ll never be ready if I don’t try, Cas. I promise I’ll stop you if I need to. I want to do this.” Dean practically begged.

Cas took a moment to ready himself. He knew he couldn’t deny Dean anything he asked. Especially not this.

Dean gasped lightly when Cas started moving again, hand firmer than before, fingers grabbing just a little more. Deans breath was trembling in his ear.

“Look at me.” Cas commanded gently, pausing.

Dean just shook his head. He didn’t want Cas to see the panic and fear in his eyes. Dean knew it hurt his angel every time he did. “I’m okay. I promise I’ll stop you if I need to.” Dean replied.

“Please. I need to see your face. I need to make sure you are okay.” Cas pushes using his free hand to brush Dean’s hair.

Slowly Dean lifted his head so Cas could see his face, biting his lip as he fought to keep his expression as blank as possible, and ultimately failing. His every emotion showed all over his face.

Cas continued slowly moving down Dean’s ass until he completely cupped one cheek in his hand. He squeezed tightly and froze as Deans breathing stopped and fear filled his eyes.

Deans hands were shaking as they pressed against Castiel’s chest. Dean was trapped momentarily in memories of the dream before reminding himself that this Cas was different. This Cas wouldn't hurt or force him. He chanted it in his head like a mantra. This Cas wouldn't hurt or force him. This Cas wouldn't hurt or force him. This Cas wouldn't hurt or force him. This Cas wouldn't hurt or force him.

Cas watched the fear in Deans eyes slowly fade. He reached up to kiss Dean slowly, reassuringly.

Pulling away from the kiss he gave Dean a warning look before flipping them over so Dean was on his back. Dean gripped Castiel’s upper arms tightly.

“Slow, Cas! Go slow!” He begged.

Cas panted on top of Dean. “I’m sorry, Dean.” He breathed.

Cas took a moment to kiss the line of Dean’s jaw, the stubble scratching his lips slightly. He smiled when he hit a sweet spot and a quiet moan left Dean’s lips. His cock twitched in his pants and he tried to keep it under control. This time it was all about Dean.

As pleasure filled his stomach Dean’s body relaxed more and more under Cas. His hands loosened around Castiel’s arms and he couldn’t help squirming under him.

Cas slowly let his hands travel under Dean’s shirt and lifted it above his head, revealing the hunters top half. He let his fingers dance over Deans chest and stomach rubbing and feeling every inch he could get to. He moved slowly, ending his exploring at Deans nipples.

Cas pinched and pulled at the hunter’s nipples until they were hard and pointed and Dean was panting beneath him.

Dean was shocked to find himself hard in his boxers, hips twitching upward to brush against Castiel’s thigh. He was still struggling with the panic, but the pleasure seemed to be winning over, his body at least.

He arched his back as Cas bent to draw a line of kisses across his chest, over his shoulders, down his arms, then back up again. The entire time he was doing this his hands wandered slowly down to the waistband of Deans boxers. His fingers sliding under the elastic just slightly.

Deans heart picked up in panic as he realized what Cas wanted to do.

Cas lifted his eyes to meet Dean’s shiny green ones. His pupils were blown wide and watching Cas intently, he could see the fear just below the surface. “I want to taste you, Dean. I want to feel your cock in my mouth.” It was half a warning and half asking for permission to continue. He wanted Dean to understand his intentions before he did them, so he could either brace himself or stop Cas.

Dean took a moment, running a gentle hand up Castiel’s neck and stroking his cheek in a very affectionate way. Castiel’s blue eyes were looking at him-no they were doing so much more. Cas was seeing him. Every part of him. He was searching for everything Dean hides from the world, and it felt like he found it, well felt like that to Dean at least.

Dean nodded his head slightly and smiled, giving Cas the go ahead, and Cas didn’t hesitate. Deans hands rested on his forearms as he slowly pulled the boxers down over the man’s hips. They didn’t stop him, just there to remind him to go slow. To be patient.

Deans cock bounced slightly when it was finally released from the boxers holding it. Cas placed his hands on Deans ankles, looking up at the man watching him from flat on the bed.

As slow as he could, he slid his hands up the hunter’s legs, pausing at the knees to give Dean a little time. Dean was writhing and panting under his touch, and he wanted it to stay that way.

“Cas!” Dean begged in a low moan.

Cas smiled and started running his hands up Deans thighs, going even slower than before. His thumbs brushed against Deans balls, making his cock twitch again.

Dean ran his hands along the bed and gripped the sheets near his hips, pulling them tightly. His brain was working in overdrive. His nerves on fire as they waited for Cas to touch the one place he craved more than anything in this moment.

Hot breath wafted over his hard cock and Cas bent closer to it, letting his hands slide over his pelvis until he was just centimeters away.

Cas ran his nose down the shaft and kissed his way back up to the tip. Sticking his tongue out, he swirled it around the head of Deans cock, lapping up the pre cum spilling from the slit. Dean gasped and arched up underneath him, begging wordlessly for more.

Giving him what he wanted, Cas wrapped one hand around the very base of Dean’s cock and the other cupped his balls, squeezing. He pumped his hand up and down the swollen member, slowly, looking up at Dean to make sure that he was still okay.

Dean had his eyes closed and his head thrown back, his chest heaving as he panted and fought to hold still. The angels firm grip on him was sending him to places he had long forgotten about.

When Cas suddenly sucked him into his hot mouth Dean let out a surprised sound and sat up on his elbow, one hand flashing out to curl into Castiel’s hair tightly. He wasn’t expecting the huge increase in pleasure.

Cas didn’t stop, trusting Dean to stop him if he needed it. He let his tongue dance over the bulging veins as he pulled back, slow this time, back to his careful movements. His hand lead and chased his lips as he repeatedly bobbed his head up and down on Deans cock, humming when Dean moaned above him.

Dean wasn’t going to last long. The fire inside him building quickly as Cas worked on him. His hand was still tangled in Castiel’s hair, pulling slightly as his body twitched when Cas hit a particularly sweet spot.

Dean watched Cas swallow his hard member over and over again, his blue eyes looking up at him every couple of seconds to see his reaction.

He let out a trembling sound when Cas hollowed out his cheeks and sucked on him hard while sending vibrations through him by humming.

“Cas! I…I can’t…gunna-!” Dean was struggling to form a thought. Pleasure slammed into him and his body stiffened and jerked.

Dean let out a strangled form of Castiel’s name and shot stream after stream of hot cum into Castiel’s mouth. Cas swallowed it all down, greedy for every last drop. Deans hand in his hair pulled hard as he rode his orgasm, heels digging into the bed and head thrown back against the pillows.

When Dean’s spasms had slowed and he came down from the amazing pleasure he was left with a post orgasm high that made his body feel light and airy.

Dean released Castiel’s hair and he crawl up the hunters flushed and sweaty body, leaving light kisses on his oversensitive skin as he went. When he finally reached Deans lips he gave him a deep, lazy kiss, Deans chest heaving against his as he caught his breath.

“Are you okay, Dean?” Cas asked pulling away and laying down next to Dean so he was flush against him, but not on top of him.

Dean let out a breathy chuckle. “So much better than okay.” He answered turning so he could give Cas another kiss.

As they laid there, Dean ran his pointer finger along Castiel’s ear lightly, humming to himself as he shifted to get himself impossibly closer to the angel.

Both men lay curled up in each other, more than content. Dean slowly fell asleep in Castiel’s arms, his face tucked against his chest and finger hovering above Castiel’s ear so closely that it brushed the fine hairs covering the skin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Even though this never happened in the Djinn nightmare it was very difficult for Dean to let Cas have so much control and I tried to get that to come out in this chapter. How it wasn't the sexual acts Cas was doing that was making Dean afraid, but the fact that Cas was in control of the situation.
> 
> Again so sorry about the chapter and how long it took to get it up for everyone to read!


	8. Implode

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phew! Okay so here is another chapter!

“Cas, no! Stop!” Dean said loudly shoving at Castiel’s shoulders and wriggling his way from under the heavy body on top of him. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I can’t. I can’t do this!” He rambled.

Cas got off Dean, getting tangled in him and the sheets as they both scrambled. Dean ended up standing a couple feet away from the bed while Cas was struggling to free his foot from the mess of blankets.

Dean was panting, his eyes wide and far away. “There is no need to apologize, Dean. Are you hurt?” Cas asked finally getting his foot free and tossing the blanket angrily to the floor.

Dean closed his eyes and focused on taking deep breathes. Deep breath in. One, two, three. And out. One, two, three. And repeat. Over and over again.

Cas waited patiently, unconsciously breathing along with him. It was a long few minutes before Dean even started to calm down. Cas could see when the tremor in Dean’s hands faded. It was another minute before Dean opened his eyes again, the fear almost completely faded from them.

"Let's just go to bed, Dean." Cas suggested after a few more awkward minutes of silence.

Dean shook his head. "No, I'm okay now. Let's try again." He sat back on the bed reaching for Castiel.

Cas let Dean pull him closer and even kiss him, deepening it while cupping the side of his face. His tongue explored Deans, massaging the roof of his mouth.

When Dean tried to pull Cas back on top of him, Cas pulled away gently.

"Dean, let's just go to bed tonight." He suggested again. He stroked Deans cheek with his pointer finger lightly.

"No. I'm okay, Cas, I promise." Dean pushed gripping at Castiel’s elbow to keep him from pulling away from him away anymore.

Cas let Dean pull him into another kiss, but made sure to keep it short. "I believe you, Dean, but there is no rush. We can try again another day." He gently rubbed the hand that was clutching his elbow.

Dean opened his mouth to argue but then closed it again. Cas wasn't going to back down from this and he knew it.

"Fine." He sighed letting Cas go and rolling onto his side, facing away from what has quickly become Castiel’s side of the bed.

Castiel moved Deans hair from his face and kissed his temple before laying down. He kept a hand on Deans lower back, just to keep contact.

He wasn't sure if the contact was for him or for Dean, probably a little bit of both honestly. Dean didn't move to cuddle with Cas, like they usually did, but he didn't shrug off Castiel’s hand either.

Over the next few days, Dean distanced himself from Cas as much as he could. They didn't cuddle when they slept or relaxed in the bunker and stopped kissing or even holding hands.

Cas tried to give Dean time, but it was killing him. He missed Dean.

"Dean! Will you please talk to me!" Cas finally snapped one day after Dean pulled his hand away from Cas as they read in the library.

Dean looked up from the book he was reading. "About what?" He asked innocently.

Cas suppressed a frustrated growl. The innocent act was not going to work on him. "You have been avoiding me for days now. What is wrong?" Cas answered turning to face Dean.

"I haven't been avoiding you. We have been together all day, Cas." Dean argued turning back to the book in his hands. 

Castiel gently closed Deans book and took it from his hands, setting it to the side. "Yes you have." He simply said making sure he held Deans eye.

Dean slumped in his chair and looked away from Cas. He couldn't stand the hurt he saw in them, the desperation. "I couldn't go through with it. I panicked." He finally said. He was ashamed of himself.

"That's what this is about! Dean, it's fine I-" Cas started. 

Dean shoved from his chair, knocking it over. "No it's not okay! It's pretty freaking far from okay! I should be able to do these things with you! I should be able- Cas, I should be able to be touched by the one I love without freaking out!" He yelled pacing the room and angrily kicking a small pile of books on the floor.

"I am glad you told me to stop. I don't want to force you to do anything you aren't ready to do.” Cas told Dean his heart racing from Deans confession. He worked not to blush from head to toe.

Dean scoffed and turned angrily away from Cas. Standing up, Cas moved to stand in front of Dean, holding him by his shoulders so he couldn’t turn away again. “Dean. I love you so, so much. And you know I am willing to go as slow as you need to. I can’t stand to see you afraid. And I don’t ever want to be the reason you are afraid. So don’t ever feel bad for stopping me from doing anything. Ever!” He said firmly.

“It’s frustrating and I can still feel his hands holding me down. I can feel him inside me. I can hear him laughing and toying with me. At the same time, I crave to have your hands on me. I love the feel of your weight on me. I feel like I am going to go insane!” Dean’s shoulders sagged under Castiel’s hands.

Cas took a step towards Dean, waiting to see his reaction before pulling the man into his arms.

Dean welcomed the angels arms around him, hiding his face in Castiel’s neck and taking a deep breath. Cas smelled amazing. He smelled like damp leaves in the spring and the body wash they both used. It was a smell he could never forget, even if he tried, but he never wanted to. This smell was the man he loved and not even the Djinn could take away the comfort it gave him.

“Then I will love and hold you until you forget about that other me. Until you no longer remember the nightmare. We have the rest of our lives. I am not going anywhere.” Cas whispered comfortingly into Deans ear. Dean hair tickled against his skin, but he didn’t care.

Dean smiled into Castiel’s neck and squeezed the angel a little tighter. “What did I do to deserve you?” He asked in barely a whisper.

“You always underestimate your self-worth, Dean.” Cas chastised gently.

Neither of them moved to break the hug. Cas missed the feel of the hunter’s body. He was both hard and soft at the same time. And in all the right places. And Dean was letting Cas fill every inch of his thoughts. Every inch of his senses.

“Could you guys at least do this shit in private. I’m all for you two being together, but listening to you guys argue is a little awkward.” Sam complained from his seat.

“Sorry, Sam.” Cas said blushing slightly as he pulled away.

Dean snaked his hand into Castiel’s, not willing to lose all contact just yet. “You know you could have just left, Sammy.” He snipped at his younger brother with a smirk.

“I was here first.” Sam grumbled going back to his book.

Cas pulled Dean from the library before the brothers could continue fighting. He wanted to go cuddle with Dean anyways, and the couch was more comfortable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooooo, there was absolutely no smut at all in this chapter. And it was really boring and kind of repetitive, but I wanted to expand on things a bit and I am struggling to figure out how I am going to get to the end. I am thinking one more chapter, maybe two.
> 
> Please stick with me on this!


	9. Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eeeep! OHMYFREAKINGFRAK!
> 
> It was a long wait, but the moment has finally come!

“This time let’s start with you on top.” Cas suggested pulling Dean on top of him until he straddled his hips.

Dean grasped Castiel’s shoulders and stifled a gasp as their cocks slid against one another. Distracted, Dean braced himself and slid back, reveling in the friction and warmth it caused. Cas moaned under him, his fingers gripping Deans hips tighter.

“Ah! Dean, that feels so good!” Cas moaned moving his hand so he gripped both of their cocks, further increasing the friction. Deans breath stuttered and his moan got caught somewhere in the back of his throat.

Grabbing Castiel’s free hand, Dean sucked on his fingers, flicking his tongue around and through them. He felt Castiel’s cock twitched under him as he sucked and licked and slurped. Castiel’s bright blue eyes never looked away from Dean’s lips around his fingers.

Cas let their cocks go as he pulled his fingers from Deans mouth. He locked eyes with Dean, watching his expression as he reached behind the man, running his wet fingers against the warm flesh as he pulled the hunters cheeks apart.

Deans body tensed briefly when Castiel’s fingers brushed his puckered hole. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

Castiel froze his fingers and waited for the fear that was written across Deans face to pass. He bent to pepper Deans bare chest, collar bone, and shoulders with kisses as he waited. He wanted Dean to know that he was here for him.

After a minute Deans body relaxed and his face cleared. “Do you still want to continue? We can stop or do something else, if you need to.” Cas asked when Dean opened his eyes again.

Dean took a deep breath, thinking about his answer carefully. “No, don’t stop. I’m good to go.” He answered with a nod that was more for himself than for Cas. He knew Cas wouldn’t mind if he asked him to stop. He trusted him not to push him farther than he was willing to go.

Cas studied Dean carefully. The hunter’s green orbs were shiny and pupils blown wide, but there was no trace of panic left.

Satisfied that Dean was telling the truth and not trying to force himself, Cas continued. He circled his fingers around Dean’s hole, skimming over the entrance lightly causing Dean to twitch and throb slightly under his fingers.

Cas lubed up his fingers before working him open. He kept his eyes on Deans face the entire time, making sure he was always okay.

When Cas was three fingers in Dean thought he was going to implode. This was nothing like the nightmare. While in the nightmare Cas had shoved his fingers into Dean harshly, pulling and ripping him open. It was nothing but searing, burning pain.

What Cas was doing now was gentle and slow. He made sure he caused Dean as little discomfort as possible. And after the initial insertion, Dean was actually enjoying it. His stomach filling with the warmth of pleasure that throbbed through his cock and dripped out onto Castiel’s stomach. The noises he was making would make Dean blush later on when he thought about this moment.

Cas curled his fingers, hitting a sweet spot Dean didn’t know even existed. He groaned loudly and sank further into Cas, going limp and pliable in his arms.

When Cas finally removed his fingers, Dean couldn’t stop the whine that escaped him. He felt bare and empty. Cas shushed him gently as he adjusted Deans hips so they were aligned more with his.

Cas hesitated before he moved any further along than that. “Please, Cas.” Dean begged. His brain and body were complete mush. All he could focus on was the angel under him and what said angel was doing to him.

Cas lined up the head of his cock with Deans thoroughly stretched hole and held both himself and Dean steady, letting the hunter take the lead and lower himself onto his throbbing member. Dean kept his balance by placing his hands on Castiel’s chest as he lowered himself slowly down, letting Castiel’s cock stretch him open, his walls straining against the pressure.

Castiel almost couldn’t take the intense feel of Dean finally around him. The tightness of the man on top of him, the amazing warmth and slickness of him. He struggled to keep in his own mind. He needed to remember to make sure Dean was okay. He couldn’t afford to lose himself too much right now.

Both of them stared at each other as Dean got used to the full feeling of Cas inside of him. As the pain decreased he started to raise himself back off of Cas, gasping at the new feeling it brought. Pleasure quickly replaced the slight burning that was still lingering.

As Dean increased his speed Cas gripped Deans hips hard enough to bruise the delicate skin under his fingertips. He threw his head back and watched Deans face as the hunter bounced up and down on top of him. The view was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen in all his life. Deans face was filled with pleasure and his cheeks a beautiful rosy pink color.

Cas tried hard to let Dean set the pace, he really did. But as Deans muscles started to squeeze rhythmically around him, he completely lost it. In one swift motion he had flipped both of them over and started to pound mercilessly into Dean. He growled loudly as he pushed himself deeper and deeper into him.

When he hit Deans spot the hunter almost screamed in pleasure, bringing Cas back just enough to realize what he had done. He froze.

Dean groaned under Cas when he felt the sweet, sweet movement stop suddenly. “Cas, what-? Don’t stop!” He keened pulling at the angels hips while thrusting himself up onto the angel to get the mind numbing pleasure back again. His body burned with the need for it.

Cas stuttered forward again after a few more seconds. After making sure Dean was okay. He pushed the guilt and shame back and focused entirely on Dean again. The man was falling apart beneath him. His skin flushed and shiny with sweat. His breath coming out in spluttered moans and whines. Sometimes a version of Castiel’s name was uttered. 

Deans hands alternately gripped at Cas and the bad sheets, finding anything and everything to hold on to.

Slowing his pace just a little he bent to catch the plump, red lips that belonged to Dean in between his own, reveling in the amazing taste that was Dean.

At the same time he reached in between them to grip Deans length in his hand again, moving in time with his own thrusts.

Deans hand moved on its own accord to tangle in Castiel’s mop of hair, pulling to keep their lips connected even though Dean could barely concentrate enough to move his lips with the angels slightly chapped ones. He just wanted the extra connection. It was another way they could connect and be closer to one being instead of two.

Dean couldn’t stop his hips from moving as the lava hot pressure built within him, bringing him closer and closer to the release his body so desperately wanted.

He felt Castiel’s hips lose their rhythm as the angel started to explode within him. The fire hot feel of Cas releasing his lode inside Dean made him fall right over the blissful edge.

He clenched his teeth tightly and hissed out Castiel's name as he came hard between their slick bodies. White spots clouded his vision as he rode out his orgasm, still feeling Cas pumping into him jerkily. 

Cas collapsed on top of Dean as they both finally finished. Their breathing was labored and bodies exhausted, but they were sated.

Cas pulled himself out of Dean and settled so he was lying next to him, half on the bed and half on his chest. Cas listened to Deans racing heart slow down to a more normal rhythm as their breathing returned to normal.

“That was amazing.” Dean breathed turning his head to kiss Castiel’s sweaty forehead.

Cas hummed in agreement, though amazing didn’t quite cover it. There was no word for it. No way to express just how amazing it actually was.

A few minutes later they reluctantly got up to clean themselves so they didn’t become a sticky mess later on.

As they cleaned themselves up though, Dean kept stealing kisses from Cas. He would swipe a hand along Castiel’s back lightly, or even run a tongue across a pec or shoulder.

Cas let him, enjoying it just as much as the hunter. They were both riding on air. This was more than just their first time, which in itself was a big enough deal. This was the last bit of the Djinn nightmare being erased. The fear Dean had been living with for weeks was snuffed out, beaten. They had made it through Deans own, dark mind, and came out on top.

They settled back into bed, already half asleep before their heads hit the pillows. Cas curled himself around Dean, who held him tightly in his arms. This was the first time Dean had held Cas. It was usually the other way around. Cas liked it though. He understood how it made Dean feel safe. In these strong arms, he felt like nothing could touch him.

“Dean?” Cas asked a few minutes later. He wasn’t sure if Dean was asleep yet or not.

“Hmmm?” Dean answered hand lightly skimming across Castiel’s shoulder to let the angel know that he was indeed awake and listening.

“What’s your biggest fear?” Cas asked as he felt goosebumps rise on his skin where Dean tickled it lightly.

Dean was silent for so long Cas was almost sure he had fallen asleep and wasn’t going to answer his question.

“Losing you.” Dean whispered, barely making a sound.

Cas felt his heart stop, then kick into overdrive as Dean’s words sunk in. “I love you, Dean Winchester.” Cas said lifting his head enough to peck Dean on the cheek.

“I love you too, Cas.” Dean replied without hesitation. He turned his head to kiss Castiel's lips lazily, savoring the sweet taste. He would never taste anything better than Cas in all his life.

Cas couldn’t help the smile on his face as he nuzzled into Dean’s shoulder and listened as the hunter fell asleep. He breathed in the scent of Dean. Gunpowder and apples with a underlying smell that couldn't be described. It was just Dean.

He had never felt more at home, more himself, or more loved, than he did right in this moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is the last chapter :(
> 
> I am kind of sad as I was having so much fun writing this!
> 
> I really hope you enjoyed this work!
> 
> Thank you so much for all your comments and Kudos! They mean so much to me even if I don't respond to all of them. I am super bad with talking to people so don't feel like I am dissing/ignoring you if I didn't/don't respond. Trust me I saw all of them and gave you all hugs in my mind!


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